4

My work schedule has been crazy these past few weeks. I'm up at 6am, and if I get home before 7pm I'm lucky. Not that I don't love my jobs; on the contrary, I feel very lucky most days to be employed in three such varying ways.

This is also not to say I'm not tired as f*ck every night. Not to mention every morning.

I found myself more tired that normal a few days ago, that heaviness taking up permanent residence behind my eyes, head pounding because it misses my pillow, and that desperate feeling that you're never going to feel rested again haunts me daily. I thought I'd left that feeling behind when I graduated college. It seems I was mistaken.

It was 6:30am and I was pulling out of my driveway to go to work, and I looked over my shoulder and saw the most beautiful sunrise I'd seen in a long time. Giant red ball of sun, lighting all the trees on fire and sending flames of light onto the street. I should have been astounded. I should have stopped and really looked. I should have gone back inside the damn house for the damn camera. Instead, I looked for a second in my rear view mirror and thought, "Oh, ok...sure, it's pretty, but there will be another sunrise another time."

Stop. Not ok. When did I get so jaded that I stopped seeing the simple everyday beauty that this world has to offer me? I made a point three years ago to stop looking down and into myself and start looking out and around and up. It is so important to see, not just go through life blind to everything beautiful.

I've lost sight again. It's time to reign it back in and start fresh. I wonder if there will ever be a time I'm steady and consistent? I could talk more about this, but the dog needs walking and the dishwasher is leaking and my dinner is halfway cooked. Here's to finding the balance between truly living and just surviving.