4

My work schedule has been crazy these past few weeks. I'm up at 6am, and if I get home before 7pm I'm lucky. Not that I don't love my jobs; on the contrary, I feel very lucky most days to be employed in three such varying ways.

This is also not to say I'm not tired as f*ck every night. Not to mention every morning.

I found myself more tired that normal a few days ago, that heaviness taking up permanent residence behind my eyes, head pounding because it misses my pillow, and that desperate feeling that you're never going to feel rested again haunts me daily. I thought I'd left that feeling behind when I graduated college. It seems I was mistaken.

It was 6:30am and I was pulling out of my driveway to go to work, and I looked over my shoulder and saw the most beautiful sunrise I'd seen in a long time. Giant red ball of sun, lighting all the trees on fire and sending flames of light onto the street. I should have been astounded. I should have stopped and really looked. I should have gone back inside the damn house for the damn camera. Instead, I looked for a second in my rear view mirror and thought, "Oh, ok...sure, it's pretty, but there will be another sunrise another time."

Stop. Not ok. When did I get so jaded that I stopped seeing the simple everyday beauty that this world has to offer me? I made a point three years ago to stop looking down and into myself and start looking out and around and up. It is so important to see, not just go through life blind to everything beautiful.

I've lost sight again. It's time to reign it back in and start fresh. I wonder if there will ever be a time I'm steady and consistent? I could talk more about this, but the dog needs walking and the dishwasher is leaking and my dinner is halfway cooked. Here's to finding the balance between truly living and just surviving.

3

Since I graduated from college, big decisions have never come easily to me. There used to be a thousand things I wanted to do - all sounding either fun, or easy, or profitable, or perhaps an idea that let me get long vacations or summers off. It got so bad, recently, that I switched career ideas ever week, dozens of post-its littering my desk with half-baked ideas scribbled on them.

To give myself some credit, though, my usual snappy decision making probably shouldn't be applied to something as big as a career choice - it's not like I'm buying a pair of shoes that I can return if they're too tight in the toes. this is real, real life even, and make the wrong move and you can be taken back to the beginning, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, even if it gives you blisters on your heels.

No pressure or anything.

But, finally, it's settled. Grad school, lots of babysitting, and of course, lots of writing are combining to form my future. Hopefully one day after that there will be gainful employment of the writing variety. I'm confident. It's going to work out, in some way or another, and I'm just glad I have a plan and an idea and something to work towards after a year and a half of waiting around. The world looked a little brighter today, and I felt like something heavy had been lifted off my shoulders.

Now, it's time for more lists, permanent ones, and the GRE and letters from those who know me well and can sing my praises. Let's hope this is the shoe that fits.

2

I started a new job this past Saturday. Seems like most of the posts in this blog have been about me starting or ending a job. I’m hoping this one will stick around for awhile, though. Yet another coffee shop, just like everyone says an English major should do. That doesn’t bother me too much, though, because as long as I’m happy and can pay the bills, I’m fine.

I spent three hours today at the neighborhood pool with my other job. Jackson – my four-year-old I watch – had swim lessons, and then four of his little friends showed up and we spend a glorious afternoon in the sunshine. My chest is a little red, as I always forget to put sun block there, but it’s ok. I’m sitting on the couch reveling in the happy tiredness that always comes from a good pool afternoon. I like it there – I’ve never really been a part of that kind of community, only seen it on occasional visits with friends and Facebook pictures. But today, for the first time, I was there, and I knew people, and I felt at home and included and comfortable with a group of people I never thought I’d feel ok with. Something has changed in me, some part of me is comfortable with the family idea and living that life. I’m seeing things clearly, now, and the future that was so fuzzy for so long is slowly coming into focus. I can make out lines and edges, likes and dislikes, decisions that will be made soon. It’s coming closer, and that feels better than anything ever could.

This isn’t my best blog post, or the one where I explain everything correctly so everyone feels it. But that’s ok. It’s the one where something changes, and I recognize it, and that’s what counts.

Until next week.

1

The original name of this blog was A Year in the Life, a not so cleverly disguised copy of my favorite song from Rent. That year ended almost six months ago. I've reached a stalemate in my mind. I don't write enough; I feel a little guilty about that every day. But lately these guilty feelings have actually begun to inspire me to do things, instead of just sitting there sulking in my brain. I want to get out and do something, not just sit around and dream and make plans. I want to take control, make a difference, say I'm doing something worthwhile and real. Something tangible. Something that I can point to and say, "Yes. That's mine. I did that."

So today is my 24th birthday. Birthdays are important in this family - from the time I was born, great planning went into every June 2nd and it always turned out beautifully. Mom always went out of her way to make my birthday special. There was the time she surprised my friends and me with a limo ride around Atlanta, I think when I was 10 or 11. She turned the living room into Paris for my 20th birthday. And for my 22nd, I helped her convert the back patio into our own little restaurant, complete with little cafe lights and bottled soda in tin buckets.

We videotaped all of my birthday activities from the time I was born until I was seven. I watch them every year; it's become tradition, and June 2nd wouldn't feel quite right if I didn't sit in my favorite comfy chair and watch my little self running around on the screen in front of me. It's amazing how these days intertwine and all feel the same.

Mom and I just got back from lunch; tonight, we will hit Pozole, this amazing margarita bar in the Highlands, for drinks and dinner. I thought I'd finish this post now, before the warm buzz I always get from tequila kicks in. Another year down, this one much different from all the rest. School is over (for now), I'm working every day, I moved into my first place, I broke up with my first boyfriend. There's so much material here, waiting for me to sort it all out into piles and start writing...waiting for me to find the common threads, to learn the lessons, to gain experience and knowledge. I think it's finally time. Time...to stand up, or grow up, to step faithfully into the future and carpe the shit out of the diem. So here we go.